I knew there was another problem the moment I saw the back of the envelope. "Uh-oh," I thought. "The Mangler struck again."
The odds of being mangled increase with each piece of mail I send. I send a lot of mail. Probably too much, since I often forget what I've sent, written, and received. "WE CARE."
Curious, I actually read the entire message. I wanted to know what they cared about. Here's what they said:
DEAR VALUED POSTAL CUSTOMER:
I want to extend my sincere apology as your Postmaster for the enclosed document that was inadvertently damaged in handling by your Postal Service. (My postal service? Hmm. If it is my postal service, why am I not allowed to have a say in how it works?)
We are aware how important your mail is to you. With that in mind, we are forwarding it to you in an expeditious fashion. (They are forwarding it to me? Aren't they simply returning it???)
The United States Postal Service handles over 202 billion pieces of mail each year. While each employee makes a concerted effort to process, without damage, each piece of mail, an occasional mishap does happen. (Sure sounds like you're blaming the victim in a backhanded fashion. *sigh* I'm probably wrong.)
We are constantly working to improve our processing methods so that these incidents will be eliminated. You can help us greatly in our efforts if you will continue to properly prepare and address each letter or parcel that you enter into the mailstream. (The problem had nothing to do with preparing and addressing my postcard. I wonder if this happens to some of the billions of SPAM postcards sent my way.)
We appreciate your cooperation and understanding and sincerely regret any inconvenience that you have experienced. (Well, if this is true, a free stamped postcard would go a long way toward making amends. I've decided to start a drawer for mangled mail, seeing as how I've gotten more than my fair share this year, last year, and the year before. Perhaps it's time I start using my Postal Service less often?)
(My postmaster can't give his/her name? Oh, my.)
Me Passing the Buck
If you are reading this, and if you have the better half of this postcard, please reply here. I will send this slice free of charge, postage paid, and gratitudinally. I will pay the queenly sum of one dollar American for your half if you don't want it.
P.S. Mailstream. A lovely word that conjures streams of air mail, mail creeks and rivers of mail, mail dams, mail falls, mail rapids . . .
When's the last time you got the WE CARE letter? *sigh*