What do you do with those Notice of Privacy Practices you get when you sign all those papers at the doctor, dentist, or imaging offices? Do you simply sign yours and give all the papers back to the receptionist? That's what I did until today. Today I took the copies. I paid for them.
Have you ever had an MRI? Have you ever had a bad experience when you went for an MRI? Well I did. I'd tell you all about it but it will take too long, plus I cannot sit and type that much. I will tell you this: Midway through the first MRI the tech brought things to a screeching halt. They were doing an open MRI. It was the wrong procedure. They hustled me out with an apology. No one bothered to read the orders beforehand. I was sent away to another facility. Things went from bad to badder. I ended up with an MRI of my shoulder. Only. Not an MRI of my cervical spine. It took so long my left hand grew numb. The machine burned my right elbow. Explanation: Oh, yes. Your body gives off heat and the machine gives off heat. Let's put this pad between you and the machine. She laughed. I was in and out of the scanner three times before the fourth and final time when I called a halt to the torture.
I can just see some of y'all rolling your eyes, thinking: There she goes again, telling another tall tale. Well you can stop before your eyes get hung up, because it's worse than what you've read so far. I dealt with numbness, burning, muscle spasms, pain, claustrophobia, frustration . . . Afterward, my eyes were bloodshot. I staggered and had problems balancing. I had a serious case of bed head. I got three wedgies.
At the end of the agony, while making an appointment for today, the tech suggested that I take a pain pill before returning the next day. Like it was all my fault. Today I was in the belly of the beast only once. Yesterday I arrived at 11:15, I left at 1:30. She kept popping me in like I was a toaster strudel. I took the feeder home, slipped into bed, found my favorite fetal position, and whimpered until I fell into twilight sleep. I took a muscle relaxer around 11 PM. I slept through two alarms. The major alarm was set for PM. Is a grand thing that I woke on my own.
I showed up this morning. Early again. I am a trooper. The tech grinned and asked if I took a pain pill. She told me the day before that I it takes an hour before it kicks in. Seriously? I told her that I hand't because I did not want to chance being pulled over and arrested for being under the influence. A muscle relaxer? No. Same reason. She thought it was funny. I dislike people who think they are funny and when you don't act like they are, they try harder. Today I staggered because I couldn't find the floor after it was over. She said, "You can open your eyes now." She should quit her day job and become a comedian. Seriously.
So, how did I get through the second day? It was easy. I simply . . .
Tonight, I drew it on the bottom half of the folded pages of the Notice of Privacy Practices. I am a Dear Valued Patient, after all. Besides, I paid for those copies. Dear Valued Patient my *&%$. I might not be able to write a letter, but I can do a bad cartoon. Write on.
P.S. I made up my own MRI machine. :)