One of the most important lessons I learned about writing is this: Show. Don't tell. So, to show how much your kind acts, words of comfort, inspiration, condolences and understanding mean to me, I thought it best to express my gratitude through a photograph. Communicating is still harder than hard. I struggle with it daily. My hand cramps hard when I try to write. It's too easy to fall out of practice, and my writing looks like chicken scratch. Silence is comforting. I rarely talk. The cats try not to worry. I am not myself. Am adjusting to a new normal and the only way to settle in is by no longer fighting it. Doing nothing or very little makes it easier. It just has to happen.
Still, I cannot help but see all the lovely letters, notes, cards, and I feel overwhelmed. JC brings in the mail most days. The mail box looks so far away. I don't know what to say to you in return just yet. And thank-you doesn't seem nearly enough. I don't know what I wrote to you before she left. Chances are I didn't even mention her name. Did I truly have so much to say? I swear. I have so little now. What can I have to write to you about when I have done so little that's worth writing about? No one wants letters filled with sadness, suffering and sorrow. Seems she's part of every conversation. You didn't even know her so . . .
Last night was the first time my mother and I talked about her without me blubbering. A long silence lay between us after Mama repeated the same old anecdote for the umpteenth time. We seem to do that a lot lately. So I'm choosing to take it as a sign that her absence isn't the raw wound that it was two and a half months ago. See? I don't know how to talk to y'all without mentioning her. I'm not crying though, so yes, it's a good sign.
My life is readjusting itself. It is rebuilding around the gaping absence of Mina. This is so new to me. You know what I mean, right? I'm trying. But since I don't know how to change things, I have decided to let life do what it does, and thank God for the gentle nudges and new paths that are opening before me. I am wounded, but it does not fester. I still want to sleep away the worst hours--between midnight and dawn--but end up wide awake. Free-falling isn't so bad after all.
Be well. And thank you.
(cause Limner cannot be trusted right now.)