Tuesday, April 24, 2012

A Limner Limning


Hey, y'all. It's me. For real. I am blue. When I think of me as a Berd, I am usually blue. Not a sad blue, but more like a blue for a blue berd of happiness. The last three or four days have been colorless. My baby sister is in a coma. We were texting the other night after she told me she was in the hospital again. I wasn't feeling well and she couldn't sleep, so I told her to relax and try to sleep. Said I was charging my phone so I could call her in the morning. Guilt made me text her again a few minutes later. She didn't respond, so I assumed the nurse had given her something. I didn't hear from her again. Until JC told me the sad news.

JC drove me to Dallas yesterday. My sister's heart stopped beating. Her doctors brought her back. I call Mina the Come Back Kid. She's knocked on the Dark Door too frequently, and manages to change her mind. The last night we talked, she told me she was tired of being ill. Said once before that she gives up and doesn't even want to try sometimes. I get it. I am tired of her suffering and I am tired of us being so selfish--wanting her to stay when she wants to go.

Yesterday one of her doctors told me my sister is very ill. She put emphasis on very. There are genes in our family that wreak havoc and destruction, and most of us have never heard the names of the diseases they cause--until now. I still struggle to pronounce one of them. It makes my sister's and my aunt's nose bleed so hard, even cauterizing doesn't help. Mina's nostrils were so plugged with wads of gauze, her nose was disfigured. I lost count of all the tubes entering and exiting her frail body. All the machines keeping her alive made me feel helpless. But, she is fighting. She knew I was there. Her eyes moved, her right foot moved, her heart rate increased when I talked to her and when I asked if she heard me. Her doctor said she hears and understands. I promised I'd come back on Friday.

A four hour drive from Katy to Dallas felt like two on our way there. The two hours I spent with her felt like six. The drive back felt like twelve. I thought of my sister all the way there and back. No talking. Just me thinking. JC seemed to understand. I remembered the day Mama brought her home. She handed Mina to me and told me she was mine. Okay, thought I was cried out. Guess I'm not. So . . .

I took up my sketchbook and I did what I do best when I am . . . I did what makes me feel good now. No. My Therd Eye works for me during the day. Drawing takes me out of my head, too. So I drew, and I drew until I was tired. Then I drew some more. I drew little busy-work details. I drew some of the things Mina will recognize when she sees this. You see, I draw her a Berd every chance I get. She said the last one made her laugh so hard she hurt. She will recognize some of the things in the drawing, from my studio. She hasn't seen my cork board yet, so I included it in the drawing, although it doesn't hang behind my chair. I will tell her about it on Friday.

"Limner Limning©"

I will be gone for a while. I don't have anything good to write about any way, and I cannot bear telling everyone the same story over and over in a letter until I put down my pen and never come back. I figured saying it all here and now will be okay. There is humor in everything, so this Berd's for you, and Mina, and for all the Minas. The ICU was packed yesterday. One of the last things I said to her was, "Girl, I didn't know you were a brunette. All these years I thought you were blonde!" She moved her foot. Her eyes moved. LOL. Mina was born with a fist-size patch of bone white hair in the back of her head. Daddy swore she wasn't his 'cause his hair was jet black, and Mama's was too. Was a good thing she looked just like him.

Be well.

Love,

Limner


18 comments:

  1. Thinking of you and Mina and sending strength for the journey ahead.

    Peace,
    Vicki

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  2. Hugs.....Hugs...and Hugs.....lots more Hugs, to you Limner. I'm thinking about you, and sending out my prayers to your sister.

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  3. Sending hugs and tears your direction. I can feel the love in this post, so I know your sister has your love wrapped around her.

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    1. Thanks so much. I am grateful for your comment.

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  4. Will be thinking of you and yours...

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    1. I will never forget your kindness. Thank you.

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    1. I feel your sincerity even after all the time that has come and gone since you wrote these words. Thank you.

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  6. Oh Limner I am so sorry. I have been really busy and haven't had time to read my blog back log, so I didn't know your sister was sick. I pray that you and she both will find peace and health in the days to come and that for the present you both will rest in the arms of the Creator and allow Him to comfort you.
    I have also had the pain of watching a beloved younger sibling suffer a lingering illness. As Mina was your "baby", Patrick was mine. He was a beautiful perfect baby, who grew to be the my best friend and constant companion until death parted us... It is a terrible, wrenching thing to have to stand by and helplessly watch your "baby" go before you. I will keep you in my prayers. I am sending hugs your way. Tell me if there is something that I can do. Hugs, elle

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    1. Elle, you know I love you. I still don't know what to say after all this time, except "Thank you." I feel such gratitude along with your empathy. You do know what it's like. I wish you didn't have to. Then you would have missed out on the good and the Love that comes with loss. The one thing you can do? You have done it. Thanks so much.

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  7. Limmer, I feel your pain. I can sympathize with all you are going through. I lost my only sibling, my sister, two years ago. I miss her every day. Just want you to know that people care about you both and your families.

    Sharon

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    1. Now I'm crying. Am smiling too. I have learned that hurting won't kill me. Trying to avoid pain was killing me. When you tell someone like me about your loss, it helps so much. But you know that, right? Thank you. I still feel you. I am sorry for your loss. How can we live and avoid losing someone? We can't. It is inevitable. I appreciate you sharing your loss with me. I miss Mina almost as much as if she left last week. I can breathe better now though.

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  8. :( all I want to give you is a big hug sweetie

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    1. Thank you! There were times when I couldn't bear being touched. Lately, and most especially since May, I have needed a hug more than anything. The last time Mina hugged me was downstair, in my dining room. It was just before she left to go home after registering her youngest for college.

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  9. I am putting a note in the mail to you. Don't wish to comment here other than to say your many faithful readers have you and your family in our thoughts and prayers.

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  10. I made it through my first Thanksgiving without her. I didn't cry. Until now. Goodbye tears are different. Thanks, y'all. I couldn't thank you and reply until now. I am so fortunate to "know" you.

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