Well, if this don't beat the band, then I don't know what does. Here I was, thinking I was as rich as Croesus' ninth wife upon receipt of this rare specimen of Texas dough. Boy was I wrong. But how could it be? I mean, it looks bona fide. And since certain Texans think we are a nation unto ourselves and all, I just figured the good ole boys over at the state capitol had finally gone ahead and printed our own filthy lucre. It definitely fit Texas' standards: B-I-G. It's so big I couldn't get it all in one scan--and I have a long scanner. Hmm. Was that a clue?
Well, undeterred, I picked up my pocket book, my keys, my Bettye Davis sunglasses, and off I went to do some serious spending. I went straight to Archivers. I almost went to jail, too. It didn't matter that I pled ignorance, "But ma'am, it says right c'here in money fonts, The Great State of Texas. And there are all kinds of seals, pictures of steers and . . . And even some Latin! See?" I pointed in case she needed glasses, to where it read "IN HOC TU OFIN" below what I took to be a rendering of ole Spindle Top. Now I don't read Latin all that well, but I figure if it's on any document, dollar bill, or seal, then it's makes the place it's been plunked down on darn near sacred.
So I was ready to argue my case as heartily as Daniel Webster. And to prove more points in my favor, I turned the thing over, and therein lay my undoing. You see, on the other side was a photo of a "founder" who goes by the name of R. J. Lee. The side winder calls himself The Big Texan, TREASURER OF THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS. Clear across on the other side of big lyin'-carpetbagger- lookin-son-of a gambling mother, the words The Empire of Texas lay in plain sight beneath the R. J. (Bob) Lee signature. Every Texan knows we ain't no empire! That's for the Star Wars. We are a republic. (Which ain't saying much, since anyone can print fake $100 bills these days!)
Oops! And Snap! My bad. The big bill was mailed from Crockett, VA, and I'll be danged if it don't say "This is your souvenir menu. Please feel free to take it home with you." Sheepish pucker here ---> :+ Why, there's a letter inside, too! Well, it that don't beat all . . .
So, as I was saying . . . You won't believe the biggest, Texas-size piece of mail that came my way via VA, y'all! It didn't fool me one bit. No siree Bob! Did y'all know there's also a Crockett, TX? "Davey, Davey Crockett, king of the wild frontier."